Log in

No account? Create an account
Love's Confusion [entries|friends|calendar]
Love's Confusion

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

songs for the broken-hearted [31 May 2005|10:11pm]

any suggestions?
immerse your soul...

we broke up yesterday [06 May 2005|08:35pm]

Here's a little something he said in an email to me (since he didnt even break up with me in person, he did it on aim):

"no matter how mad and dissapointed I am in you, I'll never
stop loving you. This is harder than you think. But after all this time
apart, I realized that our future is just not going to end happily. I want
children, I thought I didn't but I'm so jealous of Sean and talking to
Brett's Darcy abnout her kids, it just made me want them more. There are
other little tihngs, it's just since I broke up with you the first time, the
day or two before the bone fire, things have not bene the same. Right now I'm just hurting so much."

I showed that email to a friend of mine. His translation: "Me me me, poor me, I hope I don't hurt, me me me, ME ME, me me...me."

he broke up with me 5 days short of a year.
immerse your soul...

I think he tried to piss me off - I think it worked [03 May 2005|02:42am]

May 11th is supposed to make a year for my boyfriend & I. But for the last month or so, I just feel less & less for him. We haven't been intimate in a few months because I just can't stand the idea of it. I cringe at the thought of getting physical with him. Maybe it's not just him, but he's the only person I thought about in that respect. I find myself wanting more and all the little things are becoming BIGGER things. My past boyfriends weren't fabulous and I didn't date them for as long as this current relationship, but I miss being able to have real conversations - not small talk. I miss learning things from my significant other. It's good to have differences with someone you date, but it's starting to feel like D and I have barely a THING in common anymore. We don't go out anymore: this weekend he went out with his friends each nite and I met up with an old friend of mine one nite. Very rarely do we do anything together as a group; it's starting to feel like he just doesn't want me around.

Yes, I have tried to tell him these things recently. He just brushes them off and assumes that I'm going through another downward mood swing. "Oh, you've said that before," he says, because in the past, we spent some "time apart" because of my feelings. Now, if I feel that way again, to him it just means I'm being moody. He just refuses to understand.

In a boyfriend, I need a supporter. I feel like D is holding me back, keeping me from accomplishing... ANYTHING! Is this a typical rough patch that most relationships go through as they are about to hit a year or so, or is this looking like the end?
2 confused hearts| immerse your soul...

need some help with this one... [16 Apr 2005|03:07am]

[ mood | confused ]

A friend of mine is making arrangements to come down to Florida to visit me for a week. She has been looking forward to this for SO long and is getting creasingly anxious as the dates nears. Her visit time will be May 8 - 14.

When my boyfriend & I realized that she would be here during our one month (may 11), he got a bit upset when I told that we couldn't spend the entire day together. I have a guest! I definitely want to spend some quality time with him on the 11th, go out for lunch or a walk on the beach, but I can't leave my friend stranded.

Here are some things to consider with my friend's visit:

1. She has never been here, thus
2. she does not know her way around
3. I (and my boyfriend) are the only people she knows around here
4. She has no car
5. There is no public transportation in this area

I don't want to desert my friend, but I have to find a happy medium between time with her and alone time with my boyfriend. I'm going to talk to my friend about this, find out what she thinks, if she'd be comfortable, etc. Unfortunately I won't get a chance to talk to her until much later today.

But in the meantime, how should I break-up the day? Any suggestions? I'd like any suggestions as far as both what to do with/about the boyfriend and how to handle this situation.

My boyfriend has really been looking forward to our one year.

1 confused heart| immerse your soul...

New like whoa. [29 Aug 2003|01:07pm]

[ mood | bored ]

Yeah I'm new.

Yeah my relationships suck.

Yeah you'll hear all about it.

Thats all.

immerse your soul...

[29 Sep 2003|09:52am]
I'm new to LJ and I'm really having a hard time sorting out a 4 year relationship. If anybody has time to read what I've written about it, it's the only entry in my journal. Thanks so much... I'm just really confused.
immerse your soul...

[18 Sep 2003|02:06am]

So...I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong, socially speaking. In my heart it feels right. That's all that matters, though, isn't it?

Okay...an update for those unbeknownst...

My boyfriend and I got into an all out brawl about a week and a half ago. Fists flying, screaming, etc. It ended rather...tragically. I punched him in the face about 5 times, he threw me into walls...I overdosed on xanax, because I wound up flashing back to times past where I used to get the shit knocked out of me on a daily basis...he wound up taking a swing at a cop and landing in jail...I wound up in the psych ward.

Where am I now?
I've identified my problems. He's identified his. We've spoken at great length about everything. We're both on our best behavior. I'm taking meds for manic depression, and I've quit drinking. He's cut back to drinking maybe once a week. He'll be attending anger management courses, and I'll be seeing a shrink.

I still live with him. I still love him.
I have no doubts, but people try to place them in me, anyway. And it sucks to think that you have everyones' support...but only if you do things their way.

I know they care. I know they love me. I know, in time, they'll see I've made the best choice for me.

1 confused heart| immerse your soul...

Interesting... [15 Sep 2003|11:48pm]

[ mood | calm ]

Well,I've risen from the ashes my last relationship and have found myself a girl who likes me as much as I do her. She goes to a different school, which I guess means a long distance relationship.

Oh well.

Whats so interesting is she is coming home this weekend and next weekend. Next weekend, her and I plan on going to a football game for our high school (we graduated together). See, I'm more than expecting my ex to be there. And her ex boyfriend is in the marching band, so he's definately going to be there.

This is going to be one giant test for both her and I.

I hope I pass.

immerse your soul...

um.......?? [12 Sep 2003|09:26am]

[ mood | sleepy ]

do you guys ever get in moods where your just scared? i mean like lately, ive just been crying, fearing that my relationship is going to end. but there really is no reason for it. i have just been like, overcome with insecurity for no apparent reason. am i crazy?

1 confused heart| immerse your soul...

so blah...... [09 Sep 2003|12:36am]

[ mood | annoyed ]

he was prety tall. i would say around 6'2". he had black hair and brown eyes (though he liked to rock the fake looking blue contacts anyways). he had a huge smile actually looked like a puerto rican harry connick jr. just without the charm.

i remember him being fond of really elborate pieces of clothing. like overly bright jackets and big fedors type hats. i remember he looked older then 16. the funny thing is i remember hating him from the second i met him.

i met him through mutal friends at a "vampire" role playing game. he was blatantly hitting on me and i hated it. being 15 at the time i wasnt used to it and didnt see the compliment. a couple of weeks later, completely randomly (just my luck) he is walking down my block as im opening the door to my house. he bgan talking to me and somehow that conversation ended up into us hanging out which led to us going out.

its so funny that i cant seem to recall much. i remember his always being angry with me for things i never seemed to understand. i remember the way he looked when he said or did mean things to me in front of people. i remember the how big he would smile when he did something that i cried over. but i dont remember much about him.

i remember he smoked weed and i do now probably cause of him. i remember he always smoked "choclate dimes". lol. i remember he was actually a really good artist. i remember he drew these pictures of me that would make it seem like he liked me. i remember he had a dog names lex that i watched him beat with a cane. i remember he talked to me constantly about his ex-girlfriend and made me comfort him when he cried over her.

i remember how 1 year after i put the restraining order in effect, he called me to tell me he had seen me walking down the block on MTV. he liked the eyebrow piercing and wanted to marry me. i remember being scared to leave me house for a week after that.

i remember the phone call from "nevada" the day the restraining order ran out. cause he just wanted to say "hi". i remember not caring anymore and finding it funny that he couldnt hurt me.

i wasnt sure if i was going to respond to this. obviously the 1st person i dated was not like most. memories of him do not exsist in laughs and hugs but in hospital rooms and police stations. but thinking about it, i found it odd and almost scary that this person who controled me by fear for so long and til this day plagues my relationships with men, is someone i know nothing about.

immerse your soul...

The first [05 Sep 2003|12:43pm]

[ mood | nostalgic ]

The first person I ever dated... This is an interesting one. I jokingly set aside my ideas to discuss the girl I played house with in pre-school, the girl who wanted to hold my hands in first grade, and the girl in High School, who I was too afraid to date, but we just held hands and tried to be friendly in secret and we ran around but never managed to have a real date, so we wouldn't have to deal with social stigma. The first girl I dated, would actually have been in college then. Isn't that depressing.

I was tempted to talk about my first big crush too, but she was too good for me, and let people know about it in High School. No, the first real date is what matters, and we never really did more than 2 full dates. She was a teaching fellow, and the way our dorms were situated, she was too easy to meet. We shared only the Scholars seminar together, but she was personable, and more out of her shell than I was. I had already started making overtures towards another girl, but this girl wanted to do something, and we kept meeting in the computer lab. She was neither thin nor plump; falling in the middle ground where I think anyone healthy ends up. She was innocent, had been sheltered in High school, and she was looking for a geek just like her. Our first date was at the kinda ritsy place that took our campus cards. I remember I had chicken alfredo that was a little overdone, I remember, because I hadn't learned about real eye-contact before then and the food was where my concentration focused.

She had dark brown hair, and probably still does. Her skin was smooth, she had freckles, and a smile that covered her face with dimples. We talked about classes and band of all things, and I learned a lot about her Disney collection. That was our second date, but more on that after I finish describing her. I don't think she wanted to teach really. Like many teaching Fellows, she was there for the scholarship. She had a bit of computer geek in her, and I remember her IM's were pretty creative--not aol, we used the campus instant messaging service, which had all sorts of geeky fetures for personalizing messages and even doing a little bit of geeky attack type stuff.

Is it bad that of all of the negative things I could say about her, the only real negative I could find to describe her was that she was short? At the time, I felt I was destined to marry an amazon and have giant children. I felt that taller was better, and that was just it. Not hard to believe from someone who is 6'3", but I also didn't know about the short lifespans of Great Danes at the time, so I didn't know that height wasn't everything. She had hazel brown eyes, and when we did talk about physical features, we both discussed how our eyes could change color during seasonal changes. She couldn't swim, which I told her was a big turn-off, she chuckled and those dimples just rippled across her features. It was really quite marvelous.

Our second date was watching Disney in her dorm room. We watched my favorite Disney movie from her collection, which was Robin-Hood, she picked it out and said it was her second favorite, following the Lion King. We never kissed, but we did hug. We saw each other a lot(but didn't date), and she soon was dating someone else pretty seriously, as was I. She left School early, and told me she and her beau were going to live together in her hometown, while she figured out what she wanted to do with herself--he needed to do the same. They were engaged to be married, and though the freshman fifteen had not been kind to her, she positively glowed with her happiness and I envied her future husband.

It's funny, she kinda taught me what not to do in dates. I dated several times over the years before settling down into long term relationships that finally petered out recently. I don't think I dated enough, even though I still can't figure out how I fit relationships and short dating sprees into my life up to now. It's weird, but I've often wondered if she married, and ended up having children. Some of them could be as old as 7, 8, almost 9 years old now if that's what she really did. Perhaps she was pregnant, and that wasn't the freshman 15. The glow I saw is very similar to the glow I've seen around the happy and expectant. Life will tell. I have a saying I like to use. God runs out of extras in this short life. It's my way of saying this is a small world. I expect to see her again, and I expect we can still be friends.

immerse your soul...

[04 Sep 2003|03:00pm]

Okay boys and girls, we have a question of the week! You'll have from today (09/04) til...um...next Thursday (09/11) to express your feelings and opinions about the following question.:

Describe in detail the first person you ever dated...

Please keep in mind that this is my first time trying this out, and if you'd like me to ask other questions, you've got to submit them :ahemahem:
Oh, and thanks to preserver3 for supporting this idea...



[04 Sep 2003|03:11am]

[ mood | contemplative ]

It's odd...but I've seen something here...some kind of epiphany of sorts.

Watching someone sleep is, perhaps, the easiest way to fall in love with them.

I mean, granted, none of us look beautiful while sleeping, but all of us have this look of complete, unadulterated innocence while we lay wrapped in dreams.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the weirdo here...

I sit here some nights because I can't sleep, and I look back at the bed....

...and there he is. Asleep. Everything I could ever want. Everything I could ever need. Everything I could ever ask for....

scary. :|

2 confused hearts| immerse your soul...

[02 Sep 2003|08:33pm]

By the way, I wanted to try out like...a question of the week kind of jobber...ya know? Something where everyone can post an answer, blahblahblah...

Let me know if you like this idea, and also give me some input as to what kind of questions you'd like answered...

Oh!! And...please feel free to invite all of your friends to join this community. Pleeeeeeeeeease?!?!?!?

1 confused heart| immerse your soul...

[02 Sep 2003|11:32am]

So, I wound up meeting the ex-girlfriend a little earlier than I'd planned to. Rather than being forced to endure her presence for the first time on Monday at the renaissance faire, I met her on Sunday night.

Needless to say, I was far from impressed.

My ego feels much better now. She was trying very hard to find acceptance from me, though I'm not 100% sure why. I shouldn't matter worth a shit to her, unless of course...

Ahh. I see. Perhaps, I'm a threat to her now. >:)

How nice that would be.
immerse your soul...

Ex strikes again [01 Sep 2003|02:23pm]

[ mood | infuriated ]

She's been calling recently. Once or twice a day, at really inopportune times, and her messages refer to a few mutual friends of ours. So I called her, and tried to have a "professional" conversation, but she balked at the bitterness, balked at my diplomacy, and then tried to start the drama up again. I listened to the opening lines of her soliloquy for a minute and a half, before I just realized that there was no way to talk with her at all. I interrupted the speech, told her I couldn't have this conversation with her rioght now, could we please change the subject, she said "no, no.. " I responded with, then please refrain from calling this number for at least a week, while, because I choose not to have this conversation. The "why are you running away?" speech started and I hung up.

I understand that drama is a woman's way of making her words sound more important, but why does that entitle an ex to speak her mind regardless of how I feel about it? Despite my organs, I still get the right to choose what I want to listen to, when I listen to it, and from who I will allow a brow beating from. Just because I have a phone, and just because we were in a relationship, doesn't mean I can be dragged across the coals of our life together anytime she feels like calling. I'm of half a mind to change my number.

2 confused hearts| immerse your soul...

[31 Aug 2003|08:54pm]

So, I find myself in a predicament once again...

My boyfriend called me tonight on his way home from the NY Renaissance Faire to ask me if I'd want to go tomorrow. I agreed, and then he sprung it on me...

"Well, do you still want to go if April goes, too?"

Let me fill you all in...
April is the dreaded ex. The one that, from day one, I couldn't stand. I've never had the pleasure of meeting her...
Not quite sure if I want it either.

So I ask you this:
Do I go? Or not?
5 confused hearts| immerse your soul...

Let's start this off civil [30 Aug 2003|04:43pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

Here are the facts as they're known:
1. I was in a committed and healthy relationship, for the first 2.5 of a a 4.5 year relationship.

2. Things went more sour the more I made allowances for her.

In the beginning, she needed to know that I cared about her and that she could depend on me. One of our first big fights was over her setting goals for me, and these goals she would then test. Her cat would escape into the night, she'd call me at 2AM, I'd come and rescue the cat. I'd have a meeting with friends, she'd have a panic attack about something else in her life, I'd cancel the plans to comfort her. A little of this, when you're tryng to establish boundaries is okay, but it doesn't build a lot of trust from a guy's standpoint. The longer this initiation goes on, the more I felt like I was being used. The initiation ended about 6 months into our relationship, when we actually had an argument where I confronted her that I knew what she was doing and needed her to trust that I'd be there, and stop adding the drama to manipulate me. There was some crying and screaming, but we eventually rationalized it out, got over the rough patch, and 2 great years followed.

Then her father died.

Immediately after, she was allowed to do anything, heck she was entitled to deal with and share her grief the way she needed to. There was crying, fights over nothing in particular, and a rollercoaster of emotions, but there was never a slackening, there was only a steady destructive increase in intensity and episodes. The "rules" were in her favor, and she liked it that way and used them as a swift sword to end arguments and avoid blame.

I stayed, I weathered, and I voiced my feelings, and there would be temporary stays in the storm for a day or two, but the storm would be back, and almost at random. We had set down ground rules in the relationship about no yelling, as volume doesn't win an argument. Volume became her tool. Fights became like movie reels, where she seemed to know the lines she expected of me, and if I left the script, I was wrong. Drama became her second major tool. When I would have none of it, the drama continued to rise, until she had to lash out. The last time was with a knife. I didn't get cut, but it was the end. My dreams for the next 4 days were filled with her and the knife, when she was released from the hospital, we'd already had our last fight, and a long term relationship, 4 and a half years of my life had been wasted. I look back on it and i just see the mistakes now. I don't think it could have been salvaged, because during the last two years, despite the avrious respites, nothing ever proved to be positive enough to save the whole relationship.

Those friends who know the whole story say that I've had the last of the bad relationship Karma I need in this life, but perhaps I've only ever been in immature or unhealthy relationships. Perhaps I was the one who embraced the drama, and didn't leave because I failed to realize that people who want this can't be changed within the relationship, only by forces they experience alone.

1 confused heart| immerse your soul...

A shorter version. [30 Aug 2003|02:52pm]

[ mood | crappy ]

Since livejournal ate my last post, I'm going to post the shortend version.

I dated my ex-girlfriend for about a year and a half. Then she dumped me online. I was bitter as bitter could be, however I was no less in love. Three months pass without a word exchanged, when I get a drunken phone call from her telling me how much she misses me. Now thats all good and great, as a matter of fact I was excited. I wanted to be with her more than anyting. So we start it up again, and I ask her if she really wants another chance. She says yes. Another chance meaning a second try at being an official couple. She says we need a little time to see if we can still work. Well. To make a long story short, three months later, we're still "seeing if we can work". She refused to call me her boyfriend and refused to make any sort of reference that we were together. In public with her friends, I wasn't allowed to touch her. But I kept on becuase when we were together, things were good.

This "together but not" drove me up a wall. I felt like I was being cheated. Being toyed with. But because I knew how I felt towards her, I kept on going.

Then I left for three weeks in Europe. About three weeks before I'd left, she was practically begging me not to go. Then comes the last night I'd be able to see her before leaving, and I have to beg her to hang with me. She kept saying theres nothing to do. Everything is boring. I told her how lame this was. And she told me she'd better hang with me because otherwise her friends and I would be pissed at her.

So we did.

While in europe, i called her about 5-6 times. Each time she seemed less and less interested in talking to me. Then came the last night of my trip. I call her from Paris to talk to her one last time before comingn home. She again is very disinterested in talking to me. I pretty much then realized that indeed we were done.

I come back to the states and something weird happens. All her friends individually ask me how my flight and trip was. Except her. It was like taking to a wall when I was talking to her.

I can only cope with this through cutting lines of communication. I can only get over her by not seeing her. "Out of sight, out of mind".
Then it happened. In a run-in at work. She shows up. As soon as I see her, I develop this pain in my chest and can only resort to leaving. Hiding, if you will. Until she left.

People are telling me I need to call her. Because knowing eachother for so long, to just scrap it would be pointless.

People don't realize that I have a hard time seeeing her as anything less than someone who I loved and still do to this day, in some capacity. Someone who I invested so much of myself into.


I...I don't know anymore.

4 confused hearts| immerse your soul...

[30 Aug 2003|12:14pm]

[ mood | confused ]

Why is it that when you try to have a conversation with a man, he gets his back up? Is it necessary?

I mean, do women come across as that accusatory in general that a male cannot handle a simple conversation about other females with his girlfriend?


3 confused hearts| immerse your soul...

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]